My guide kept reminding me not to touch hanging branches because of wipers. I had no idea what he was talking about...his accent was rough. Imagine talking to a Bostonian about cars and heart attacks. Then it processed. Vipers. I needed to be careful of vipers.
Welcome to Tamen Negara rainforest in Malaysia, where the death potential goes thermo. I came here on a cheapo package tour, which I purchased at 6:45am in KL. I would never have found the counter in Chinatown had it not been for the one-armed deskclerk, who happily abandoned his post to walk me there for a fivespot. It wasn't until he offerred his good arm that I realized some fingers were missing there too.
The trip to TN is an adventure in and of itself. The three hour bus ride is enough - the driver climbs mile-high hills in first gear, only to barrel down the other side at 120k. This is followed by a 3 hour boat ride up-river. The boat is made with popsicle sticks and chewing gum. The engine seems to operate on the same principles as most blenders, although it never gets beyond Purree.
I picked up accomplices on the bus ride up, two english guys. We hated the canadian girl in our group. She made unprovoked remarks about America and ever since I have been telling her that I voted for Bush and wrote my Congessman to invade Iran next. Which is a fun way to wind someone up even if you are a Democrat who protested the war. I wanted to kick this girl in the vagina.
Kuala Tahan is the only blip on the river's map and is one-stop for Temen Negara adventures. Most of the town (three restaurants and a store) are built on the river and float - a good wake can make dinner turbulent. I am given a tasty little chalet at Ekoten, which is up an flight of vertical stairs, just one stop before heaven. The people who handle the whole trip (Han Travel) are very nice and have their shit together in a big way.
Night One began with an after-dark trek in the jungle. The eight of us headed out into no-man's-land with our guide and flashlights. Over the next two hours we saw everything from stick insects to glowing mushrooms to black scorpions to bird-eating spiders (yep, they are really called that, and they're as big as your hand). The rainforest is loud, with the sound of a million insects buzzing at once. It is also the annual hatching week for chickaras (pictured), which are divebombing insects with a wingspan measured in inches - they scream like the zombies in 28 Days Later. Thousands of them fall from the sky. The Brits were squeeling like little girls.
The second day was action packed. First stop was a walk in the rainforest canopy, courtesy of a series of questionably constructed bridges, hanging 50 meters above God's Green Earth. Scary but incredible. We hiked a mountain next and this left everyone sopping in sweat - it was exactly the kind of workout that people pay a personal trainer hundreds for back home.
Next we visited a local tribe, only one of two that are allowed to live in the rainforest. I was worried that it would feel too Epcot but it ended up being quite cool. These people were the real deal. The tribes are nomadic (they must move every time somebody dies) and this assures that where they live has what might be called a "rural feel". We were shown how to make darts, dip them in poison and shoot them out of bamboo. My shot missed the mark by an inch, which is a legendery first shot for a white man from a big city. The chief jokingly suggested that I might like to move in - I was not sure how explain that Tivo is waiting for me back home.
I am pretty fascinated with the hunting though. The men hunt monkeys mostly. They shoot darts thirty meters into the canopy and nail the little fuckers, who run away after being iced. It takes three minutes for the poison to kill them, at which point they fall from the sky. The poison will spread through the monkey if the injured limb is not immediately hacked off. The things you learn...
The day ended with a boat trip upriver. We all got drenched in the rapids. Everyone went for a swim, except The Japanese people who just plashed each other and giggled like Japanese people. I have long since stopped trying to figure out the Hello Kitty nation.
I am writing this from my second night on a floating restaurant, where tonight I decided to splurge and not eat a rice/fish/"chicken" based dish. I will later make an attempt to cross the river. This side of the river is dry (Islam, etc) and I would fuck a woman for a beer right now. Word around town is that someone is selling contraband Carlsberg for 10 Ringits each but I can't bring myself to pay that. Surreal given that I'll pay $10 for a beer back home.
Cameron Highlands next and Vietnam around the corner.
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