Anyone who knows me will tell you one thing about me: I hate when people chew gum. Specifically, I despise when people chaw, gnarl and mangle their gum. A combination of this with bubblesnapping is enough to push me to the boundaries of sanity. I have had more cinematic daydreams about murdering gum-chewing fiends than there are stars.
It's a problem.
I decided to pitstop in Singapore because it is still the only place that gum is unlawful. This is my Holy Land. This is my Jesus Christ.
The horrors of gumchewing began with the Greeks and Aztecs, who chewed on tree resin. Things really didn't get cooking until a formula was patented in 1869, which found its way into gumball machines two years later. William Wrigley souped up the recipe with mint extracts in 1914, if only to drive me insane ninety years later. Frank Fleer was the real gum nazi, creating Blibber-Blabber in 1906 (the first bubble gum). If I had a time machine I would kill all of these men. Anyone - ANYONE - to do with the creation of this substance would fall to my axe.
Fortunately, there is Singapore. Gum was banned in 1992, after vandals began sticking it on the sensors of the prized Mass Rapid Transit. Here's the best part: Nobody even missed it. No black market ever developed, even though offenders were only "named and shamed" if caught, which is not even a slap on the wrist by Singapore standards. I wish I could tongue kiss the then-Prime Minister, Lee Kuan Yen, for saying "If you can't think because you can't chew, try a banana". Dude gets me hard when he talks all tough about gum law.
The resurfacing of legal gum in Singapore is an excellent example of just how bizarre and corrupt America can be. In 1999, desperate to open bilateral trade with Bush's USA, the Singapore government agreed to two things. The first was public support for the war in Iraq. The second was repealing the gum ban. That's quite a dicksucking for trade negotiation.
How did they end up swallowing their gum? Only Americans will fully understand, for we a retarded people. The year before, Wrigley's had hired a lobbyist and leaned on an Illinois congressman to put gum on the Bush Agenda. Only the devil knows what was traded in making this a sticky issue for Singapore, who picked up a 150 million dollar tax break per year on their end of the deal. Wrigley's had fucked them with a handful of spit and no condom.
The Singaporian government found a crafty way to save face. Some gum has medicinal purpose, even if is to help build enamel or fight cavities. Therefore, they made gum an item that must be handed out by pharmacists, only after taking down the names of customers for a national record. Any importing of gum is still illegal. There is something perversely exciting to me about this. I could buy a 19 inch black dildo in Manhattan but a person in Singapore must ask a pharmacist for a stick of Hubba Bubba.
For five days I have not seen a single person chew gum. No whorish women snapping their cud. No athletes mouthing the sticky substance like it was pussy on a first date. I have had beautiful, thoughtful moments without the presence of my nemesis. And nobody - not even the spoiled tourists - seems to miss it.
I propose a gumfree world. If I had a billion dollars I would buy lobbyists and make it a priority. I would not use the money to build houses for the poor or find a cure for the Superflu. I would find a way for Americans to choke on the estimated 300 sticks that each person chews every year.
Until then, Singapore.
No comments:
Post a Comment